Mojo's power-lounging secrets
OK, you humans. Gather round because it's time for a lesson on stress-reduction and power-lounging. I know a lot of you are curious about this, given your high-stress modern lifestyles and everything. You're all in a big sweat about stress and aging and disease and now you're coming to me for advice on how to relax.
Well you've come to the right place because I just woke up from my nap and I'm ready to tell you how it all works. I know that a lot of you consider me to be a role model on this and many other matters and I'm glad to say that your confidence is well placed.
From what I've seen, you humans are just too stressed, too worried and too active. You don't sleep nearly enough, you work too hard and you don't even take naps anymore. Obviously, you are in need of some expert, professional advice.
Of course, it helps to have a nice fur coat and really soft ears like me. You humans are at a definite disadvantage in this respect, but you'll just have to make due with what you've got.
OK, first we're going to have to review some fundamentals. You guys are slow learners and we're going to have to go back to the beginning and cover some of the basics. I learned all this stuff in puppy school, but somehow, you humans managed to miss out.
Now I know that some of you are athletes and some of you are just trying to get back into shape and I know that most of you are fundamentally clueless about how to put the whole thing together. Well here's the first secret. Ready? Get out your notebooks and write this down:
Stress + rest = success
Got it? You want me to repeat it? OK, here it is again:
Stress + rest = success
OK, any questions? Do you need me to explain this to you? I thought so. Here's how it works:
First, you've got to go out and play. You'll want to play hard with your friends and go wild. You can go running, swimming, biking or lift some weights. This is all going to be good fun, but it's also going to tax your body. You're going to cause a whole bunch of microscopic injury to your muscles, tendons, ligaments and organs. Even your nervous system is going to be challenged. So, you've got to have some downtime to put your body back together and with any luck, you might even be able to make it a little better than it was before. This is where power-lounging comes in. If you don't do your down-time, your tissue is just going to break down and then you're going to get cranky and irritable and then you're going to yell at me.
feed and breed
Now here you're going to have to understand something really important about your nervous system. I'm going to use a couple of big words here, but don't be frightened. They're not that hard and once you get 'em down, you'll be glad you did. The words are sympathetic and parasympathetic. Got that?
OK. These words describe the two main branches of your regulatory nervous system. It's basically the same in all mammals, so we're both pretty much the same in this respect. The sympathetic branch gives us the famous FOF response (that's flight or flight for you newbies.) The parasympathetic system gives us the FAB (feed and breed) response.
The sympathetic system helps us run away from big nasty animals and deal with immediate physical survival threats. It's great for short-term physical challenges, but if you activate it too often, it'll break down tissue and if you do it all the time, it'll eventually make you sick.
The parasympathetic system helps us rebuild damaged tissue and bring the body back to health. The whole point of my power-lounging method is to turn off the FOF response and turn on the FAB. This is what you need to do too: turn FOF into FAB.
The problem is that it's easier said than done. Evolution has given us mammals a sympathetic system with a hair trigger. It takes hardly any stimulus at all to activate it. Just one little event can get your heart racing and drive up your blood pressure. Naturally, this makes sense in terms of evolution. If you're living in the wild, you want a hair-trigger setting on your action system. Slow responders get eaten, but fast responders live to see another day.
On the other hand (as you might say), the parasympathetic system is not nearly so sensitive. It takes time to drop into a state of relaxation and it won't happen automatically. I've pretty well mastered the art of relaxing on a moment's notice, but then again, I've had a lot of practice. You humans aren't nearly so adept. This is something that you're going to have to learn. It's a skill. That's why you're here, so you can learn how to do it. Lucky for you, I'm going to share my tips for success.
anytime, anywhere
First, don't be fussy. The great thing about power-lounging is that you can do it almost anywhere. You don't really need to go to the spa or use your special bed. And it doesn't matter if your environment is noisy or crazy. As long as there are no immediate survival threats, you can probably get a lounge going.
Of course, it helps to be an opportunist. If you've got a special place set up for power-lounging, that's a wonderful thing. But life doesn't always work out the way you want and you might just have to improvise. Get used to it. Practice doing power-lounges in unlikely places. I do it all the time and it works for me. Over the course of my career, I've been able to fall asleep in drum circles, at rock concerts, airport terminals, almost anywhere. If I can do it, so can you.
That said, you'll want to go for comfort whenever you can manage it. Soft is wonderful. Clean, warm, quiet…all these things make the situation even better. If you can sneak up onto someone's bed for a snooze, do it. If you can nose your head up onto someone's pillow, you're on the right track.
beg for some massage
Touch is a great way to turn on the FAB response too. You guys are all into massage these days and that's great. But you don't need to get the fancy spa stuff; almost any kind of animal contact will do the trick. Get someone to rub your shoulders or your ears; even just a minute or two is great. And if you're really persistent, you might be able to get them to rub your belly too. Even the touch you get in rough and tumble play is good. If all else fails, roll in the grass.
guided tour:
I know that this relaxation stuff is pretty hard for some of you; I've been listening to your complaints for years. That's why I've decided to lead you through the process step-by step. Most amateurs just beat down a circle in the grass, lie down and try to relax, but as you'll see, I have a more comprehensive approach. In fact, I'm really quite systematic about the whole thing. Let me take you through a guided tour of relaxation.
Before we begin, I want you to remember to stay in the present throughout the process. The past and future are off limits. It's not going to do you any good to ruminate about all the stupid things you did yesterday or think about all the stuff you have to do tomorrow. You can do that later. For now, the idea is to relax right into the middle of your experience and let everything else fall away. Just let it be as it is right now.
OK, now I want you to get yourself settled into a comfortable position. Take your shoes off and lie down on the floor. Take a few deep breaths and let your body just sink on down. Just let everything go limp. Let the floor do all the work of supporting your body. That's it. Just let go.
Take another deep breath and let everything relax on the exhalation. Good. OK, now we're going to start going over your body, one system at a time. First I want you to imagine all your bones, your whole skeleton. Feel those bones and let them just sort of go soft and limp. Imagine that all the bones in your body feel heavy and soft. No need to hold them in one position or another; just let them hang and melt into the floor. Take a big breath and let your whole skeleton go limp, right now.
Good, OK, now we're going to look at your muscles. You've been working hard all day and some of them are knotted and overworked. Forget about it. Just let them all go– the muscle bellies, the tendons and all the attachments. Take a deep breath and let them go heavy and soft as they melt on down. No need to hold anything at all; just let them go slack....
While you're at it, you can imagine all the connective tissue in your body and let that go as well. All the wrappings around your muscles, all your ligaments, all your joint capsules, just let that go too. Good... Take another deep breath and on the exhalation, let it all go limp.
Now you're starting to get pretty relaxed, but there's a lot more we can do. Take another deep breath and now and visualize your entire circulatory system; your arteries, veins and even your capillaries. Let them go soft and limp as your blood pressure falls. No point in holding on to your blood vessels; your blood isn't going to go anywhere. Just let the whole thing go soft...
Good. Now take another deep breath and let it out. This time I want you to imagine your entire nervous system. All the intricate wiring of your brain, your spinal cord and your nerves. Imagine all the electrical activity in the system and just let it relax. If there are any over-active circuits, just let them ease off. If there's any noise in the system, just let it go quiet....
Nice. OK. Now I want you to think about your abdomen and all your internal organs. Your guts, liver, stomach and spleen. Just let it all go limp. There's no point in holding on to any of this. It will all take care of itself. No worries... Take another big deep breath and let your belly soften.
OK. Now I want you to imagine all the skin on your body, every square inch. Take a big breath and feel that skin expand... Now, with a big exhalation, let all that skin just go limp and soft. Let it relax. There's no point in holding on to it. Just let it be...
Good. OK now take a couple more deep breaths for good measure....
Now I want you to think of all the cells in your body. Every single tiny bit of tissue, millions and millions of cells. Take a big breath in and now, as you exhale, let every single cell go limp. Now, with the next breath, imagine that every single cell expands in harmony. Each cell participates in the inhalation, then relaxes....
OK, Now you're starting to go parasympathetic. You're body is really relaxed and happy now, but there's more. Now I want you to imagine that your entire body is one massive breathing body, with every molecule participating in each breath. As you inhale, your entire body expands, then goes limp on the exhale.
Nice. OK. Now I want you to pay particular attention to the weight and temperature of your body. Think this thought: "my hands are heavy and warm, heavy and warm." Heavy and warm, heavy and warm....
Good. I like this. You're getting the hang of it. One more thing now. I'd like you to imagine the inside of your body and think of it as a vast interior space. The chambers of your heart are enormous caverns. Your lungs are as big as clouds in the sky. Your abdominal cavity is as wide and deep as a vast canyon. There are miles between your ribs. Your arteries are massive rivers. Your feet are a thousand miles away from you. You are enormous... Take another big breath and feel it reverberate throughout the vast interior space. And then relax....
Good. Welcome to the parasympathetic experience. Enjoy it as long as you can, then take your time coming back to your normal state of mind and body.
develop a power-lounge ethic
So that's the guided tour of relaxation. If you practice frequently, you'll be able to drop right into your FAB response with no trouble at all and your body will thank you for it.
Of course, if you really want to get this art working for you, you've got to get over your work ethic. That's what's killing you. All this dashing back and forth, worrying about productivity, pushing the envelope and maximizing your achievement isn't doing your body a whole lot of good.
Instead, you've got to develop a power-lounge ethic. Put some value on rest and relaxation. Yes, I know, I know. You humans have to work and make your money and all the rest, but you sure don't have to do it every hour of every day. You're under all kinds of pressure, but you can still find some time to take care of your body.
What you need is a sense of balance. Sure, you know all about action, but what you need is some inaction. Give it a rest. Get a sense of oscillation. Play, then power-lounge, then play. Or, if you insist, work, then power-lounge, then work. Either way, you've got to develop a sense of appreciation for the soft, easy side of things.
Anyway, those are my secrets and I'm sticking to 'em. If you've got any questions, I'd be happy to answer them–after I take a nap. But first, I need a biscuit.
